Faced with Donald Trump’s insistence on buying Greenland, the sane world has only one possible response: unity. We must put aside our differences, come together as partners — and make a counter-offer.
Consider the situation. The US president wants to buy Greenland, and he wants to buy it badly. My fellow Europeans, we have a wealthy sucker on our hands. Let’s squeeze him for all he’s worth. Publicly, as a matter of principle, we stand in solidarity with the Danish prime minister. It is offensive to even think about selling territories with sizeable human populations. But it would be unwise to fall out with the world’s only superpower over a frozen wilderness.
So privately let’s begin negotiations. Mr Trump, we are happy to discuss selling Greenland. We only have one condition: we want some of America in return. Don’t worry — not the real America. You can keep Wyoming, Alabama and all the places where six-week old foetuses have the right to buy assault rifles.